Over the past few months, a number of challenges have arisen in both my and my family’s lives. Sickness, stress, extenuating challenges, new opportunities with monumental struggles attached, time constraints, over-commitments, financial concerns, extra coursework…you name it,
Just, life, man.
A few weeks ago, in anticipation of March Break coming, I said to Husband that I was really looking forward to this year’s break: in particular, looking forward to the chance to get away and enjoy family without the push and pull of everyday life. More so than other years, I just really felt excitement when anticipating what was to come.
Weeks flew by and at long last, we arrived at Monday, March 9th. I finally allowed myself to start packing, and as I did, I began envisioning what was to come. Before bedtime, in scrolling through FB, I began noticing some very concerning posts regarding COVID-19. Quelling my worries, Husband and I discussed and decided this would not amount to as much as it appeared. My suitcase sat by the bedroom closet, in limbo, but ready to go.
On Tuesday, things began to heighten.
But still, I forged ahead, this time, picking up extra suitcases from my mom. Undeterred, I continued to pack. And happily continued to anticipate what was to come.
Thursday, a new dimension was added to my joy. Family members phoned to say they would be meeting us at our destination. Over the moon, we told the girls and my heart swooned.
And then Friday arrived.
At noon, upon checking updates, that were seemingly being broadcasted hour by hour, I began to realize that there would be no light at the end of the tunnel.
The light was gone, and the reality of darkness was setting in.
Everything I was anticipating was about to change. But not only that, everything everywhere was about to change. Life was getting even, dare I say it, scary. And how does one navigate that?
So, you know: darkness set in. Frustration, sadness, tears, even. Moreso, some loneliness and isolation were about to happen, and I did not even know that part yet.
The feeling of darkness is sometimes that of wearing a heavy cloak. But that is not how it was for me. I just felt like someone was playing a childlike game of hide-and-seek and the lights would soon come on, whereby someone might holler, “surprise” and the game would be over.
Not to be, in this case.
This darkness persisted and led to quarantines and cancelled plans and confirmed cases and, God forbid, toilet paper shortages.
So, last night, heading to bed at 1:30 a.m. after failing to get through to a certain online company through which we had booked a lodging, I felt spent. And tired. And no longer excited.
I just felt down.
It is easy to get down in the darkness. First of all, you can’t see very well when it is dark. Simple truth, but so profound. You often can’t even see what is right in front of you.
Can’t see things like..what you have and what matters and what counts the most.
A cozy bed.
Toilet paper, Lysol wipes and hand sanitizer. You know, stuff that matters.
So, tonight, with the lights back on, I can see much better.
I can see that I am so blessed. That I am so darn lucky. I am so grateful for the breakfast sandwiches and coffee that were the start to my day. Thankful for the brisk walk this afternoon. Thankful to have all four of my kids under my roof. Thankful for a good book that I can’t wait to read.
Thankful for a province full of people that care. For the kindness of strangers and neighbors. Thankful for a country that takes swift action to protect me. Thankful for doctors and nurses and EMTs and Tim Horton workers.
Thankful for the safety of where I live in this big, old world.
Thankful that when I look up, I know that I have a Father in Heaven who has the whole big old world in the palm of His ever-loving Hands.
I am so lucky.
And I see light at the end of the tunnel. I see signs of Spring. I hear birds. I feel the sun shining on my face. I feel the wind in my hair and feel the collapse of melting snow beneath my boots. I hear Spring calling…and Summer is just on her heels.
I am just so blessed to have that light right now leading me forward.
It is all I need.