Me (on my way up to the bathroom with the phone in my hand): “Guys, I am going to make an important phone call to someone VERY IMPORTANT. I am going upstairs to make that call. Please do not fight or scream while I am on the phone.”
Oldest Daughter: “Well, that’s offensive….”
Two minutes later, I am in the bathroom. Using the b-room, by the way. Not on the phone. But still- it’s only been two minutes. I hear underneath the floorboards: crying, shouting and then this. Someone going, “no! stop! stop! No!” And the thump, thump, thump of a child on a mission- coming up the stairs. Sure enough- it’s M.A. (panting and sobbing outside the bathroom door): “So-and-so punched me in the arm right here…and it hurts…
And all I can think of is this: “Just give me TWO MEASLY MINUTES in here. TWO MINUTES, children, that’s all I ask. Give.your.poor.mother.a.break.”
Which leads me to my Christmas wish list, 2013. Because I believe in Santa Claus and because I have been very good this year.
I give you- The List. Because all I want for Christmas this year is:
1. A sound-proof room where I can talk on the phone sans children screaming/punching one another/following me around.
2. A megaphone. So that when I say something the sound doesn’t just get absorbed into the background noise: it reverberates. At a decibel just below eardrums breaking.
3. A chef with a knack for Christmas baking. And making suppers.
4. An IV jacked up on the good stuff that will help me cope when the going gets tough. And believe you me, I will need a year-long prescription. With the possibility of an extension.
5. An Elf on the Shelf that moves itself. Because I forgot to move the darn thing again this morning. And it wouldn’t hurt if Alphie was actually helpful around the house. Because otherwise, what’s the point?
6. Eyes in the back of my head. For real.
7. A Chauffer. Who will also offer to rink-sit on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays, piano-lesson sit on Mondays and Wednesdays, and maybe help drive the Gymnast to St. Louis on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’ll just keep letting Hubby do the driving for hockey- who wants to push their luck?
8. A flashing light that can be attached to the top of my head so that it might alert my children five seconds before Mommy starts to go ballistic and thus lose her five remaining nerves.
9. A time capsule that I can crawl into to remind myself what I was like when I was younger. And thus fully comprehend that ‘what goes around, indeed comes around’.
10. A reality check each and everyday that reminds me ‘this too shall pass’.
And indeed it will. All this shall pass. The crying, the shouting, the stress and the noise. It will all pass one of these days. In the Sweet By and By.
So, we were at the Family Annual Christmas Get Together this evening, and quite a few Someones didn’t get the gift they wanted. Pouting and whining ensued. I just had to remind myself once that: This too shall pass. When we got home and A Certain Someone started dilly-dallying at bedtime- which happened to be 10:30 p.m. tonight but whose keeping track and said Little Lady started poking around in front of the bathroom mirror, I just nicely shuttled her off to her room (never mind the steam coming out of my ears…) and then reminded myself: This too shall pass.
And one last story: M.A. got a used puzzle, a candy cane and a plastic bug in her Yankee Swap gift bag. She was not really impressed about it all until she found out that the bug walks on its own. Super cool. So I had told her to take it to school on Monday to scare her teacher (could be a science lesson in there somewhere…) and this is what she said without a moment’s hesistation:
“Can’t. No ‘lectronics allowed in school.”
Which reminded me ALL over again: This too shall pass. All this innocent, sweet, precious cute-ness and wonder. It shall pass. And when it does- I will be wishing for it all back again.